Diagnosing Happiness
*let’s get right into it, shall we?
If you don’t yet know, CBAW’s workshops are all online for the foreseeable future, and open to everyone, regardless of military affiliation. Join us for workshops Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. So many great people are teaching for us. Here’s a link to the schedule, with dial-in info and everything.
I’m teaching The 5 Dimensions of Change right now. Honed over many years, it’s one of my favorite workshops to teach. It’s about examining life five areas of your life and trying to see how well your needs are being met–or perhaps more importantly, it’s about defining what your particular needs are and then seeing if they’re being met. It’s interesting to be teaching this workshop at this moment of slowdown and pause. It feels like an opportunity to look deeply.
Last week I finished reading F@ck Happiness by Ariel Gore.** This passage felt so relevant to the 5 Dimensions, and to the potential of this time:
Linda, a psychology student in her mid-thirties on my council of experts, wrote in her journal: “There seem to be different kinds of happiness–surprise, delight, new experiences, accomplishment, resourcefulness, aesthetics, art, culture, meaning, love, positive feedback, connection, tactile, holding my children, mother-pride, things getting better, hope, finding my niche, growth, humor, comfort, sensual pleasures, nature, doing what’s right, life-giving, the excitement of possibilities, kinship, fun, and pride at having made it this far.”
Why isn’t there a giant required textbook that expands on each of these various kinds of happiness? Instead of narcissistic and antisocial, we could diagnose ourselves and each other as “tactile and fun” or “predominantly inspired by art and humor.”
How is it that psychology–once envisioned as a great healing art–has gotten to this place where our neuroses are considered so much more valid than our resiliences?
F@ck Happiness, Ariel Gore
What if we focused our attention on increasing happiness as opposed to reducing despair? What if we paid closer attention to what lights us up and let that guide us rather than dissecting ourselves into a series of problems to be solved?
Move your pen on the topic of pleasure. When you come to something that you love—say tiramisu, for example—don’t just list it, break it into what you love about it. Then list another thing that makes you happy. Break that down too. Here’s an example:
I love that first indentation my spoon makes into the powder and cream of the top layer, love how the sponge cake is soaked and sweet and coffee-flavored and how the mascarpone is mild and sweet and spreads across my tongue. How every bite contains all these things–the sweetness, the slight bitterness, the cream and sponge.
I like hugging my friends when I see them–of course my friends who are great huggers, who use both arms and maybe even kiss my forehead or cheeks, but even the more casual, rushed one-armed side huggers. I might catch their familiar smell—detergent, soap, sweat but more than that, I’ll catch their feeling—what the fabric they’re wearing feels like, what their body temperature is, maybe a cloud of hair or an unshaven cheek grazing my face. And then we sit across from one another and talk about this hard thing or that funny memory, I know what they feel like and that’s part of what I love too. Knowing the people I love most.
Like that. Real easy. Think about the individual things that bring you happiness/joy: what do you like? What do you like about it? Break it down into its parts. See what you find out.
*It seems I start every post with an apology: I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a long time, I’m sorry I don’t post as much as I used to etc. It’s been on my list. I don’t always know what to say. I’ve been spending more time on Instagram.
**I read the last few pages while laying on my living room floor with my legs on the couch because I was tired of sitting the regular way. You know. We’re all trying to change things up, trying to create more variety out of the same few pieces.
