How to Apologize

There is a magic we must all learn.  It has two parts. Because it is a magic we have all once had, we must first relearn it and then learn how to follow through.  The magic is this: listening to what we ourselves need.  It is personal intuition: our bodies tell us that we are hungry, are tired, are in the early stages of intense melancholy.  What can we know about ourselves, through our careful record keeping–(which is what our writing is, after all)?  We have been keeping record of our own imperfect lives, our mistakes and also our triumphs–those small pockets of beauty that occur for us and shake us momentarily into joy.  

We won’t learn it all at once, and we don’t start to relearn it without effort. The relearning starts big–when the shit hits the fan.  I think it starts when we ask for help, admit we have work to do, for the first time.  And maybe we don’t always get the exact help we need.  This happens.  People disappoint us. All of the places we go to seek help are made up of people with their own shit, their own cycles of grief.  Everyone is a human being. Especially me, especially you.  But the only human being whose actions I am completely responsible for is Me Right Now.  Not me five years ago (what a mess, bless her!) or me last week.  Me Right Now.  The me who is sitting here deciding what to do with my various thoughts and ideas and the small buds of melancholy blooming in my heart.

Tonight, I needed cups of tea.  I needed dense, theoretical reading.  I needed the laughter of far away friends recorded and sent to me. Actually. I need recordings of all the laughter.  I have this friend, Cheyenne who’s laughter is completely amazing.  And Rania’s laughter?  You guys should see that.  Who do you know who you love to hear laugh?  Make them laugh, be your brightest.  Send me–or better yet–post here.  Find someone to make you laugh.  Maybe my hardships below will make you laugh.

I didn’t scream AT the children, by the way.  I screamed in their presence.  Okay, sometimes I screamed at them.  Sometimes they screamed at me.  But we have been practicing two things beyond (but related to) the magic of knowing yourself: Apology and Forgiveness.  Perfection would be awesome.  But it’s not forthcoming.  Some time ago, I made this big sign on a giant post it stuck on the wall of my living room.  It’s faded now, so I’m remaking it here.  Your job?  To apologize.  Starting with to yourself.  Maybe for something you did to someone else.  It hurt you.  It hurts you still.  Apologize to your current self from your past self.  Imagine you could go talk to him or her and say, Hey, what you did there really hurt us.  And then they apologize, sincerely.  Is this really hard?  Sometimes it is–this is where you listen to yourself.  What do you need?  Do you need to file this for later?  Do.

Apologies

Because your behavior is your responsibility.

State what you did

“I’m sorry I…”

State the damage (what it did to the person you’re apologizing to)

“It must have made you feel…”

Name the behavior (call yourself out)

“It was totally…of me”

Spit some truth

“What I really was feeling was…”

Make an HONEST plan

“In the future I’ll…”

Drop an S bomb and an F bomb

“Again, I’m sorry and I hope you’ll forgive me.”

 

This is difficult and complicated and requires patience and practice and not giving up on yourself even when you feel like you’ve messed up too much to bear.  You can’t make anyone accept your apology.  But by delivering one honestly, you are more likely to learn from your mistakes.