I believe…

I’m working on (aka second-guessing and rewriting)  a new non-fiction manuscript and I’m also facing some big changes/challenges in non-writing parts of my work (more info very soon). Both have me returning repeatedly to the question of knowing, of certainty. Each day I seem to cycle through optimism, worthlessness, self-doubt, absolute confidence, complete devastation, giddiness, and some rage. I’m very excited. I’m really scared. I’m sleeping a lot. Going to yoga. Reading. Sitting on the edge of my bed staring into space. Making lists. Drinking many of cups of tea.* Listening to the radio. Eating strange things. I’m trying to avoid freaking out by following my own lead, by trusting myself. It’s a lot less exhausting to believe what I believe while I believe it, then believe the next thing too, even if it’s opposite, than to try to maintain some false constant.

Today’s poem:

Credo
by Molly Peacock 

I believe in being killed, and I believe in poetry.
Let’s begin with a word, you say. That word’s not clear.

(I don’t believe you when you say you’ll help me.)
I believe in being killed, and I believe in poetry.

The mouth of the past contorts with uncried tears.
What would it even mean to help me?

At tea a lady says, “Career.”
At home a fist lifts up a glass of beer.

I believe in poetry. I believe in a will to be.
Let’s begin with a word, you say. And I say, “Fear.”

Your prompt: “I believe in… and I believe in… I don’t believe in…” repeat. See what you find out. Negate yourself. Don’t get attached. Don’t beat yourself up. Just go. 20 minutes.

And for your listening pleasure. I heard this song while watching a really weird show the other day and have been listening to it a lot. If you come to a writing group I’m doing anywhere in the near future you’ll likely hear it.

*though according to my friend Seema (really, not me, but another person named Seema, who is a doctor. I swear I am not making this up, but even I half don’t believe me) drinking too much detox tea can give you fatal hepatitis, so take it easy in that realm.